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You Are.

I’ve been just floating through life this past year, like a lost kite. Like Captain Jack Sparrow’s compass—supposedly tells the direction of something you really really want, but instead the hand aimlessly turns round and round. No stable ground to step on, just hanging on to nothing but a wisp of cloud.

Half a breath. Half a life.

.

.

.

You used to be my center. And now I am so off-balanced. I used to set my heart, my mind, my soul on you wherever I go. And now I lose all direction.

You’re the compass I always set my bearing to.

You’re my North, my mecca, my cross to bear.

You’re my religion.

You’re the only one I believe in.

When all else fails, you’re the one  rock I cling to.

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My Little White Dress

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I found the perfect little white summer dress. Light, crisp, wearable to work. And today I pair it with a small, thin green cardigan, the color of lime. Perfect. The most favorite colors. The most beautiful mood. And it has the comfort level of this:

cozy

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The hiatus, the stagnant period is over. I’m still treading on water, carefully, gingerly, but I keep walking alright. It’s been a looooong 6 months, but I am ready to move on. The other night, when I was watching Jamie Oliver show on TV, it was like the enlightening moment. When I saw the food, the pictures, I was reminded of all the things that I was passionate about. I had forgotten all those things, to make room for something else. And at that certain moment, I found again what I’ve been missing, without realizing that it had been slipping through my fingers all this time.

Little enlightening moments, that’s all we need to remind us that life is worth living. (Except when you’re too suicidal to think straight, but that’s another matter. Just making use of the good mood.)

So I guess this is a new chapter for me, literally. I don’t like the cliche, but cliches won’t be cliches if they weren’t tested and true. I am ready to embark on my old life that I miss so much, although time-wise I move forward to the unrevealed future. (Oh, let me reconnect with things I once enjoyed, the future can unfurl itself without my tampering. And cliches be damned.) 

Yes, I will be alone. Yes, it is rather daunting. But it will be my life, and I am the one calling the shots.

Who do you trust?

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Not a word since then. Translates into not wanting to talk about it. Translates into not talking to anyone. Translates into not wanting to admit my mistakes.

I just want to curl up in bed and shut myself from the world. But I can’t afford it.

“Who do I trust? Me.” – Scarface

Do Not Do This

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1.     Staring at your phone and willing it to ring.

2.     Checking out Facebook all day.

3.     Checking out a certain someone’s profile, again and again.

4.     Keeping the Yahoo Messenger on all day.

5.     Changing your online status every five minutes.

6.     Not eating all day.

7.     Keeping the coffee pot filled and ready.

8.     Beginning to unravel around dinner time and posting cryptic messages to the ether world.

9.     Finally losing it and texting a certain someone, to one of his many numbers, and getting a not-delivered report (but luckily it is not pending until the phone is turned on).

10. Finally getting tired and closing all applications and Facebook and YM.

11. Finally hitting the sack and turning off the lights and forcing yourself to enter deep sleep.

12. Snapping your eyes open 15 minutes later when a text message comes in in the middle of the night (from one of the many numbers), asking where you have been all day without words. Right before he has to rush off to another call-of-duty.

 

What a staring contest. Who wins? Nobody. 

 

 

The Ugly Beautifuls

“Ugly beautiful”. It’s a term I use to describe men who are not blatantly handsome (like Pierce Brosnan) or have perfectly symmetrical face (like Tom Cruise), but they are definitely HOT in my standards. They usually have that dark, brooding looks; the square manly jaws; and they look even hotter when they’re smoking a cigarette. And if I ever had the chance to meet any of them, they’re the sort of celebrities who will make me blush all over my body.

Clive Owen

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I wasn’t impressed the first time I saw him, but Closer got me hooked. He has those somehow transparent eyes that penetrate and search your soul till you give up.

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Anthony Bourdain

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Well, a man who cooks and writes, who is self-deprecating and somehow a snob… I know he looks like he doesn’t care when he does, and he always maintains his cynical, in-your-face image with his sarcastic remarks. But I fell in love the first time I saw him on TV.

 

Gabriel Byrne

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I don’t know why, but he always played the devil or the priest/angel. Look at those intense eyes.

 

 

Benicio del Toro

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Ha. You might say, What, are you nuts? But if you look closely, he could be Brad Pitt’s older brother. Darker, but hotter.

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Have a good look.

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There are others who could make the list, but they haven’t got my knees totally buckled.

Gary Sinise

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William Petersen as Gil Grissom in CSI

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Daniel Craig

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They are ALL older guys. Hm. So I guess Bruce Willis makes the list.

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Yeah, I love him.

 

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Someone bursts into his office and comes up to his desk.

She says, “Okay. Here’s the thing. I’m gonna lay it on the table once and for all.

“I need you. You are the one I need. You have opened my eyes, you have taught me so many things through the years, sometimes without me realizing it. I wouldn’t be myself right now if it weren’t for you. And I still count on you and your guidance until now. I would be just lost without you.

“But you can’t be with me. That I know.

“But that doesn’t make it less devastating. I am miserable, you know. I thought I would be fine—after all, I could still see you hovering on the edges, not going anywhere. But apparently it was just a preliminary reaction. You see, that ‘arrangement’ is not really what I want. I want to be with you. I want to be ‘us’. Now I’m depressed, knowing that you are the one I really want, but I cannot be with you.”

A shrug of shoulders.

“That’s it. That’s the gist. I’m gonna go now, okay. Thanks for listening. I love you.”